BLACK & WHITE
by Zauriel Angelus
Summary: This is Xander's tale. Please walk with me through his journey before it ends. Mentions of X/A , B/S , B/X and oh , a bit of blood and violence too :-) Updated* CHAPTER 4 IS FULLY UP !!! YAY ME !!!
1. Default Chapter

Listen as the sands of time tell you a story …

Of men … 

Of monsters …

The choices we make today shape the course of tomorrow 

And as I stand here waiting for my death … I am reminded of the path that led me here. 

My legs grow weak , slowly crumbling down to the ground and I smile knowingly . 

Great men have come before , their struggles …… the stuff of myths and legends as they fight for the greater good. 

These men were made heroes and remembered as nothing less for the sacrifices they made.

They speak to me now …

They tell me not to give up.

I laugh , almost choking on my own blood. 

No one will remember me. 

Who will know my name …? 

Who will give a damn whether I live or die ?

When the maggots devour my rotting corpse , they will not ask my name nor will they spare a second to care. 

I'm not immortal…

I aint no fucking hero either… 

I'm just a man…

As ordinary as any other. 

I will die like any other man will.

But no one will deny me of this …

for in this life … my moment will live forever …

And this is how my story will end. 

****

BLACK _&WHITE_

prologue … 

" Wake up kid … the world is not the way it used to be anymore." 

A silence like no other filled his body with dread and to the voices that heard his cry, the echo of a dying truth swept the warmth away. Cold was not all he felt for he felt more. Indeed it began like he knew it would and the sensation ate him bit by bit , taking from him … his most valued possession ,drinking away his soul. 

It began with a little pain…. 

For he lost his heart today….

*~ _flashback ~*_

Anya was unusually quiet recently but I didn't think too much of it , shrugging it off to the fact that she was just recovering from the shock of a small vamp attack we had a few days back. Since she was my fiancée I felt it best to devote my time to her for the moment. The gang hasn't really been needing me that much and with SuperWitch Willow and slayer Buffy protecting Sunnydale , there wasn't a whole lot I could do to help out. 

I'm still just me remember ? Just Ol' ordinary Xander.

I had planned a night out on the town but later skipped on the idea. Just me and Ahn enjoying each other's company would be a better proposal. I figured she needed to escape the weird world for a while and so I dug into my role of loving boyfriend and prepared my girlfriend a small intimate little picnic dinner for two. I had candles lit , soft music playing and the perfect mood and atmosphere to complement the setting. I made her smile the way I wanted her to and everything went as it should. We made heaven at our place.

Our place…

Just saying that struck a new chord with me. It wasn't just me now. It was gonna be me and Anya. She'll be wearing my ring and I'll be calling her my wife. Wow… how time passes eh ? Not long ago I was jobless , luckless , useless and loveless. Now I have a great job that pays me well , a place to call my own and a beautiful woman who adores me . I never had it so good before. 

But still it bothered me somehow… to be able to have what I now have. Some semblance of a normal life. My thoughts drifted again towards Buffy and the burden she carries on her small shoulders. We brought her back from the dead or rather Willow did. Its been bugging me. Something just wasn't right. Willow's use of magic frightens me a lil these days and I even had Tara go watching out for her. I've heard nothing bad yet . Giles had left us for England but I understood his reasons. I know he needed to leave. The whole Buffy dying and coming back again was an awful lot for him to take in one bite. I still miss his presence at the Magic Box though. 

As for Buffy … remember what I said about her being all 'slayer Buffy' ? Since she came back and resumed her usual slaying routine I noticed something … _strange. _ I don't know if any of the others picked up on it yet but I certainly did. She had no problems falling back on being the slayer. If anything , she's almost better than ever at that but as for just being …_Buffy… _something was very wrong. 

" Xander …" 

Anya's voice brings me out of my thoughts and I let my eyes rest upon her lovely face. She seems nervous and maybe a little bit scared even. I start to get worried but make no initiative to pursue the subject of her troubles. More important was a need to comfort her from any source of pain and my arms take her petite frame closer to my body and I held her against me protectively. It was entirely possible that I maybe trying to reassure myself in the light of uncertain times. 

" You were thinking about them weren't you ?" Anya murmured softly.

" Who …?" 

" Your friends… You always think about them." 

" I was thinking more about the future than anything else really." 

" The future …?" 

" Ours…" 

" Oh …" She seems a little surprised. "…really ?" A small shy smile adorns her features , hopeful eyes lighting up as they look into mine. " me too." 

Contrary to what people think , Anya isn't as selfish , insensitive, arrogant and horrible a person as they would like you to believe. She can be awfully sweet at times. She's shown to be really generous despite her attachment to money and material things. She is very loving and in her, beneath it all , lies an innocence so very rare and pure. These are just some of the things the others don't see. She has insecurities and fears like any other person. She's human … very human. People don't know that but _I_ do. 

I give Anya a smile of my own adding a little kiss to the mix for good measure. 

" Don't ever think that you're not important to me Ahn. You know you are and that's one of the reasons why I've been thinking about the future in the first place."

" I know but you're selling me short if you think I don't understand what your friends mean to you. They're _family_."

I give her an incredulous look. 

" What… ? Don't look at me like that. I've grown too y'know. " 

"I guess so and they _are_ family but these days you're my number one priority." 

" They're my family too. Dawn's really growing on me. Willow's like my annoying brat of a sister that loves to hate me for no reason and Tara's really sweet even though I don't get her most of the time. We're bonding . Spike is the black sheep of the family only bleached blond and really pale." 

" Spike's not family. He's not even the pet dog." 

" Oh , you still hate him. I forgot about that part." 

" Its quite easy to remember. The trigger finger on my crossbow gets real itchy around Billy Idol lookalikes."

" And then …there's _Buffy_…" 

She says her name like its such a sensitive topic for me and my ears perk up as I start to wonder what exactly she is getting at with that tone of voice. 

" Buffy …? " I blurt out in confusion. 

" _Buffy_…" Again she uses that tone. 

I blink and then I blink again, the puzzled look in my eyes very clear. 

" What about Buffy ? "

" She's special isn't she ?"

" She's our favourite slayer ?" 

Anya giggles and it just leaves me more confused. 

" What's so funny ?" 

" You actually don't know do you ?" 

" Know what …?" 

She kisses me on the cheek and hugs me tighter. 

" Forget about it . Xand… There's something I have to tell you."

" I have something to tell you too. I've been thinking a lot these days and I've come to a decision. "

" You better go ahead then." 

" Recently I've been thinking about us and our future and what that would mean. I want the best for you and I feel being caught up with the supernatural world is not what we need." 

" Are you suggesting what I think …you are ?" 

" Let's leave Sunnydale. Just you and me. Let's go somewhere with a sunnier disposition and fewer demons. No more danger. No more fighting evil. No more risking your life. C'mon Ahn , whaddya say …? Let's get away from the hellmouth. I'm not needed here anyway." 

Anya looked at me blankly. For a second there I thought she didn't hear me right and I needed to repeat what I said before but then she slowly opened her mouth and softly said …

" No …"

" Wha …?" 

I thought I had heard wrongly but I hadn't. 

" No…" She repeated. " I wanna stay here." 

" Why…? But I thought…"

" We should stay here." She cut me off. "…_here_…" Then I get another kiss. She's really good at those.

Anya smiles a little sadly and continues. " You're _my_ first priority. That's why we should stay. In case you don't already know, I love you " 

" I love you too…" I answer quickly.

" I know . That's why it makes it all so hard." 

I brush away a strand of hair from her face , studying her as I do so. She tries to lighten the mood a little bit by giving me a quick grin , playing with the fingers wrapped around her own. I sighed , a quiet laugh leaving my lips. 

" Your turn." I said.

" My turn …?" 

"You had something to tell me remember…?" 

" Right …It's…It's nothing important really." 

" You sure …?" 

" Yeah…" 

It was at that point when thunder roared and rumbled outside. The sound of raindrops falling filled the air and soon it became a downpour as lightning flashed through the dark sky. From there I stood up and closed the windows as the rain tried to enter the apartment. 

" Looks like a storm . The power seems to be gone. The hi-fi is out. At least we still have some light from the candles." 

" Its getting cold." Said Anya as she rubbed her shoulders to warm herself up. " I thought the weather was clear today. That weather girl on tv you like to drool over said so."

" Wha …? Never mind .I'll turn up the heater. Wait here 'kay ?" 

" I'm not going anywhere." 

" …be right back ."

Anya let out a breath , mentally cursing herself as Xander's figure faded from her view. The ex-demoness had always been honest, almost to a fault. She has never been one to not speak her mind but the moment had passed and still she had said nothing. 

" When are you going to tell him …" 

Standing up , Anya worked up the nerve she needed and made way to find Xander in the candle-lit apartment. 

" No turning back now."

--------------------------------

" Xander … where are you ?"

It all happened so fast , I never knew what hit me. I was bringing some hot cocoa from the kitchen after turning on the heater when Anya called my name. That was the last time I heard her voice. 

" Xander…?"

" Hey Ahn … I cooked up some hot cocoa for ya." 

" I'm preg…."

Nine thirty seven pm. 

The watch I wore stopped working at that exact time.

What happened you ask …?. Well … my whole life got shattered into pieces as all hell broke loose. The walls started crashing down on us as broken glass went flying everywhere. A hurricane seemed to rip into the apartment with the rain slamming down hard as winds of unimaginable terror thundered in and destroyed everything in sight. I was screaming Anya's name over and over and over again , hoping she answer me somehow even though I couldn't hear my own voice as the storm raged on. I caught a glimpse of her in the chaos and those … th-those …were the final moments of her alive. 

" ANNNNNNNYAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The roof caved in and …Ahn… she was gone. 

----------------------- 


	2. 2

Disclaimer: Heh , I forgot about this last time didn't I ? I own zip and make zilch-er from this. Btvs rightfully belongs to Joss and bblah blah blah…etc. This story however is still mine.

Notes: I would like to warn people that some of ya out there would not like this chapter. Things are getting a bit darker as we go along . There will be some action , moments of great pain and moments of tenderness. Just be patient. I hope you don't hate this too much though.

Dedication : to all who feedbacked on the first chapter and I do mean every single one of ya. You made me smile like a buffoon. I put the blame of that horror on you :-) Thank you so very very much. 

****

BLACK _&WHITE … _by Zauriel Angelus

----------------------- 

What the hell … ? 

Dawn crept out from the living room of the summers house where she was watching some Monday night tv minutes ago before the whole house blacked out. She took a look outside her window and found the other houses across the street were suffering the same lack of electricity as well. Now her home was getting too quiet and it spooked her.

Buffy and Willow were having another squabble an hour before. This was by far the worst one yet. Considering this new fight included the slamming of doors and grown women screaming at the top of their lungs , Dawn opted to escape any crossfire by keeping herself occupied with the large tv at the front. She was going to stay out of it. The climax had seen Tara entering the fray , trying to calm things down between them and then an angry slayer barging out of the house without so much as a word. Dawn considered following her but scratched that idea quickly. Talking to Buffy these days was a problem. It was weird to have your dead sister come back to life and that fact made it difficult for them to carry a normal conversation through. She couldn't help but feel uneasy around Buffy and add to the fact that the elder Summers girl didn't seem …all there , made any interaction even more difficult. It stood within reason to let her cool herself down. Besides Buffy's the slayer. She could take care of herself if there's any trouble. Everything seemed to quiet down for a while … or so she thought. 

"Helloooo… Willow …? Tara …? Guys …?"

Something weird was going on and she knew it. 

" No electricity … No tv … Total darkness. This isn't so bad. I can handle this. HAH !!! The hellmouth aint so tough." 

Then an earthquake hit. 

What in blazes is going on ???!!!

There was a huge explosion , the fire of supernatural energy unleashed within the house in unholy rage. The ground trembled beneath , rocking back and forth , the song of chaos playing once again. It drove shivering fear into Dawn's heart and she was thrust back to the horror that saw her sister plunging down to her death. Everything in her body told her to run away but instead her legs were frozen to the spot she stood , her ears unable to drown out the cackling from behind the closed door that stood just right across the hall. 

" Willow …? Tara …? What's going on ???!!!" Dawn shouted , praying that someone hear her cries.

-----------------------------------

" ohgodohgodohgodogod …" 

Blood was streaming down from her head , forming a small pool on the floor beside her body. Something horrible had happened , too horrible to for her even think about but alas the images in her mind could not be killed , replaying itself over and over and over again. 

" Willoooooww …oh Willooooowww." 

No …god.. please no…What have I done …? Its all my fault. 

" I'm sorry baby…I-I'm so sorry…" 

" What's wrong honey …? Don't you like my new dress …? I'm all pretty tonight."

Her sultry voice taunted the frightened wiccan whose features dissolved to an almost inhuman appearance. In her eyes a dark abyss stared into her soul and as insane laughter echoed through the walls still standing in the house, the helplessness of her heavy heart lay shaken in a field of painful tears. 

" Join me sweetie. We'll make the world our own." 

Through clenched teeth and weakening resolve , Willow forced the painful words out from her mouth.

" You're. Not. Tara." 

" But of course I am dear…" 

" YOU'RE NOT TARA !!!" the redheaded wiccan shouted defiantly. 

" Foolish bitch …." 

A hiss slithered from the lips of the being that was once Tara , its eyes glowing an eerie green. The air swirled menacingly around her , her teeth growing sharper . There was no mistaking it. Tara was no longer home right now. The demon in its place growled at Willow and as it spoke , a deep and baritone voice of undeniable evil swept through the mists of energy clouding it. 

" **Willooooww …. Oh Willooooow …**." It wickedly sung again . " **I've come for you today…**" 

Then the banging started from outside the door , muffled screaming heard from behind. 

" Willow ???!!! Tara ???!!"

When Willow started to realize who it was , the demon in Tara's body started to smile. It was by far the most chilling thing she had ever seen in her life. 

No …

" **Yessssss ...**" 

That sinister smile grew ….

-------------------------------------

She never remembered being this cold but the pain that started to shoot into her head was familiar. Her head was spinning or …the room was. In the air was the stench of rot , a breath devoid of hope nor warmth. She wanted to open her eyes but still she couldn't see. Still …she didn't know. The last thing she remembered was arguing with Willow. Everything else was fuzzy.

" wh …where …?" her voice cried out. 

" You're here slayer." Came an unexpected answer. " with me…" 

Her eyes came into focus and the face of one William the Bloody was smirking at her with glee. 

" Awake now I see …Care to go another around with this monster ?" he grinned. 

It was then that she realized they were both clothed in nudity as they lay on the hard stone floor. Not a strand of cloth covered their sin. A blanket of dirt was all they had and that just laid out the act more open to the world. 

" Spike…" 

Buffy's face read no emotion , saw no feeling. Her thoughts were practically numb. If one had the power to see into her right now they would see absolutely … nothing , for there was nothing inside. She was emotionally dead to the world. 

" Buffy …?" 

Spike reached out a hand to touch her cheek but the slayer shied promptly away from his touch , trying to move herself as far away from him as she could. Her reaction stung him but it was not unexpected. The vampire grew quiet for a moment , a frown drawn on his face as eyebrows furrowed angrily upon the slayer who was now picking up her clothes from the floor without so much as a word. 

" Slayer …" he called out to her but again she did not respond. 

Not making any attempt to cover himself , the vampire jumped up and swaggered towards her , now intent on provoking a reaction out of the slayer. 

" Going somewhere …?" 

A gasp slipped through Buffy's lips when Spike grabbed her arms and slammed her into the wall of the crypt , cracking it in the process , shaking the foundation with its impact. Buffy retaliated much the same way and slammed him into the opposite wall.

" You want me to hurt you ?" Spike almost screamed into her face before shoving her into another wall.

" I see where this is going. You liked it rough before rite ??!! Fight me then !!!" 

" FIGHT ME !!!" 

Buffy said and did nothing. She just blinked , uncaring , letting go of the world around her. 

That further enraged the demon. 

" BLOODY SAY SOMETHING !!!" 

The slayer still kept silent cast her eyes down to the floor. 

" LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU !!!"

" AREN'T YOU LISTENING ???!!!" 

" LOOK AT ME !!!" 

" SAY SOMETHING !!!"

" LOOK AT ME BITCH !!!" 

Buffy said nothing still. 

There was no fight in her. 

No fire at all.

Not even a spark …

All that spoke was silence and all that remained was emptiness.

With that the shouting stopped. 

He was defeated. The hatred left his eyes and despair took its place. His grip on Buffy's hands loosened , his head hung down in pain. 

" Just say something … do anything." He pleaded. " Please … I can't take this." 

Buffy finally looked up at him , surprisingly finding some shred of pity for the vampire before her. A drop of life found itself seeping back in and her mind returned for a moment as did her voice when she tried to speak.

" We can't do this anymore. We have to stop." 

" No …" Spike shook his head. " No. Don't you understand slayer ?" 

" This is wrong , Spike." 

" Is it really …?" the vampire questioned , moving closer and closer as he did. 

" T-This is …wrong ." she tried again. 

" Yeah …its sooo wrong it must be right…" he drawled out.

They moved closer together and farther away as they came to an end. It was a rhythm they knew well and alas , the dance swayed to the favor of chance and fate decreed that the dance they took lead them to the finale, to the end … 

" We ..h-have to-to stop…" 

But … there was another turn to make before they stopped dancing.

" Stop me then…" he challenged her. 

The thoughts that lived seconds before in the slayer's mind were gone . Forgotten were the words were caution and damned it be the world that brought her back. Still there remained a tiny hope that rested in a very unlikely place. Question was would it be enough ?

" Spike …" 

Buffy hoped against all hope that someone was listening to the prayer spoken in her heart. She wished some sign present itself and show her that this world was what she thought it was , to clear her of any doubts of where she was and of what was happening. 

" please …" She pleaded weakly. " …don't."

Help me… 

Nobody seemed to hear her.

Is there anyone listening ? 

" Slayer …" the vampire whispered.

No , not even Spike…

Fuck it … 

Thus began a kiss which the slayer could not object to , her resolve breaking down with every passing second. Buffy hated herself for it , damning and cursing everything inside. She was helpless to stop the train that had started moving. 

She was weakening… 

Drowning …

Her cries ran without voice. 

There were just no more tears to shed. 

The pain was too much … but she could not die. 

No…

" Love me Buffy …"

There was no questioning it.

I'm in hell… 

And Buffy Summers lived no more… 

--------------------------------- 

end notes: This is my first attempt at capturing BS and this is how I play it. Some may not like it. It doesn't quite end here however. There will be a bit more exploration on this subject later on but for now I focused upon the darker facets of their relationship. Where they will lead will ultimately be revealed later on. For now I'd like to keep that secret. However this is still Xander's show and he won't be so easily upstaged. A lot more to come soon. Thanks again.

That's about it GIMME FEEDBACK !!!!!!! …ahem … :- ) please ?

Till next time I remain ………. 


	3. 3

Disclaimer : The story's mine everything else simply isn't. All done in good fun .Nothing more man. 

Notes : Sorry for being so late on this one but life and work got in the way. The story is progressing slowly but steadily and all will be revealed soon enough. This chapter isn't quite that Xander-centric but its plays a pretty big part in answering a few questions and presenting a few new ones to the mix. I hope you like the ride so far. 

Dedication : First and foremost to Lesley Ann. Without her encouragement all of this would've fallen into nothing. Love the gal immensely. Thanks Lesley :-) And to all who have reviewed this story so far. My thanks to Furious George ,Bolo , Mims , Saturn Girl ,Varthan , grey , Jane McCartney , Xandman , 'wbh21c' Bill , Chorlton. All your comments mean a lot to me. Thanks again for your feedback. 

****

BLACK & _WHITE … _by Zauriel Angelus

--------------------------------------------- 

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!" 

The door of the wrecked Summers residence flung open with a furious crash and the body of 15 year old Dawn tumbled onto the front lawn. She landed hard on her right arm which on impact caused a painful pop to be heard. 

GET UP DAWN !!! GET UP !!! GET UP !!! 

The young teen bit her bottom lip as hard as she could trying to steel herself against the sharp pain that shot up her arm , struggling to get to her feet as quickly as she could. The ground leveled another seismic tremor and Dawn almost fell to the ground again.

Her whole body was shaking almost uncontrollably , her weak legs just barely holding her up. Her favorite white tee was a mess and horribly so , the white bathed in the dark red of warm blood. Bruises and burns covered her arms and her long denim skirt was at the point of tatters . Shock was written all over her face. 

Dawn took a quick and terrified glance back at the house she once called home somehow knowing it'd be the last time she see it. 

Not now young lady . Not a good time. 

Dawn turned her head away from the rubble and started running . In her mind was one simple perogative and she focused upon the command as much as she could to forget the pain that painted her eyes with horror. She ran and she ran , lifting her feet with all the strength she could muster , moving as quickly as she could , holding her injured arm close to her chest. 

Not once did she look back for she dared not . The memories that lived and breathed in the Summers house would beckon her much like a siren's song , forcing her back to it and she could not be stranded. She needed to get help fast.

The wind began to pick up , the leaves rustling by in a frenzy. The air grew cold and slowly the night became darker and darker. 

Young Dawn Summers kept her pace , her eyes locked straight ahead , holding everything back as bravely as she could. She can't afford to break down. She knows that. It was a difficult task set before her.

The dams she built were weakening but she couldn't let the tears spill out.

She had to be strong . She just had to be strong.

Don't cry. Don't cry Dawn. Don't cry. 

But somewhere along the line … the rain started falling down 

" Daaaawwnnnyyyy ……ohhh Daaaaaawwwwwwwnnnyy … where are you off to in such a hurry….. ?"

------------------------------------- 

I froze and turned my head around when I heard the echo of that voice in the breeze. I was frightened, as fearful and afraid as a girl could possibly be. Twenty yards away shrouded in a mist , was the figure of evil that took my friends , destroyed my home and hunted me. 

It can't be …

" …Oh no…"

For a moment she just stood there and pointed her finger in my direction.

Not a word did she say.

Not an inch did she move. 

But somehow , someway , the winds shook like they never had before and the rain that merely drizzled earlier began beating down like a hurricane from hell. I barely had enough time to pick up my legs and run when the storm hit.

Everything went flying and I do mean _everything_. Cars , trees , mailboxes … crashing all over the place. I saw a small blue van being flung into someone's porch and then a fire hydrant almost took my head off. Even I went Superman for about fifty meters away from where I once stood before I hit the ground and considering my condition earlier it hurt a lot more than I could bear. I couldn't even scream.

When winds began dying down , I couldn't believe I was still alive. I was rolling on my back , my whole breath knocked right out . The rain continued to fall hard though and it was difficult to see where I was or whatever was happening but a few seconds later when my vision did return , a horrified gasp escaped my throat.

" Oh …my … god…"

A trembling hand ran up to cover my open mouth as I stared upon the scene of destruction before me. At least five blocks of houses and apartments were rubble , destroyed at the whim of that bitch's hand. A few of my school friends lived in that area and I kept hoping that they were all ok. I kept praying that no one else die because of me , my eyes closed and shut tight , still refusing to believe what was happening right then. 

" A- Ahn …?"

Suddenly I remembered where exactly I was and how I came to be here. 

Just how in the world did I forget ?

Xander…

I opened my eyes and there he was lying on the side of the road , just a few feet away from me. Shards of glass littered the ground around him. There was no shortage of debris either nor was there a shortage of blood. He was hurt bad. Very bad … There was just … I-it was … the blood … too much of it. I tried to ignore it and made my way to his side. 

" Xand … Xander ? I-Its me . Its Dawnie. Its Dawnie." 

I cradled his head softly in my arms , brushing away the dirt from his bloodied face with my own red stained hands. 

"Ahn … Anya …" 

He kept calling out for Anya.

" No …Its Dawn Xand … Its me. Its Dawnie." 

His eyes fluttered open and he smiled. He actually smiled at me. 

" Dawnie…"

" Yup its me Xand … Its me."

But his smile faded quickly. 

" Where's Anya ?" 

I start to look around from where I was and in the short distance I saw his apartment or what was left of it, standing in ruins. Everything was wrecked to oblivion. The worst part of it was not seeing Anya anywhere. 

I didn't know how to answer Xander. 

I just couldn't…

I am so useless. 

So fucking useless. 

Twelve months back Dawn didn't even exist. 

I was a non living thing , a piece of crappy energy.

I mean … I wasn't supposed to be alive at all.

And here I was … threatening the lives of people who had a real place in the world just by breathing. 

Why was I brought into this world in the first place ? 

What good would it do to have me around anyway ? 

I have no powers , I always cause trouble and I have a knack for getting myself kidnapped.

I don't help with the monster slayage. 

I can't save anyone. 

Mostly I just cry and scream a lot. 

So useless … so fucking useless.

Anya …she might be dead. 

If she died then I was the one who caused it. 

It was … me

I killed her …

I'm sorry.

I couldn't handle it anymore. 

" Dawnie … you alright ?"

Concern washes over him as he catches sight of blood on my shirt. 

" What happened ? You're hurt." 

I shook my head regaining some sense of reality , trying not to completely break down when I answered. 

" W-will … Its … not …Its not m-my blood." 

Xander sat up , studying me carefully as he did. He took a glance at the ruins behind and I briefly saw the pain that struck him. I knew he wanted to go there right now. He wanted to . I knew he wanted to so badly. 

But he chose to stay with me.

" What happened Dawn ? Please tell me …" he spoke gently.

"Big f-fight … at,at t-the house… Buffy stormed …out… Tara … W-Willow …" 

The words came out in stutters and gasps and I wasn't sure if I even understood myself. I didn't want to go on. 

" Take your time ." 

I didn't want to remember anything or say much less one more word but I owed it to him. His brown eyes were desperately seeking knowledge that would make sense of all the madness. They were pleading … begging. 

" Dark m-magic … Evil."

That was all I could muster. I couldn't go on anymore.

" There you are …" 

But it seems the nightmare wasn't over yet.

"I've been looking everywhere for you …** _Dawnie_.**"

---------------------------------- 

End notes: I felt it best that this chapter be written in Dawn's POV and so I went with that. In the end I think it served a good purpose in moving a few things along but I still think there was a bit of something lacking. Well …seems to have turned out quite a bit alright though so I'm not totally screwed. Anyway the next chapter the spotlight returns to Xander and will be hopefully posted in two or three days. Thank you for reading. 

Ps: how about some Feedback eh ? pretty please ? with a cherry on top ? C'mon I'm a feedback junkie !!!

Till next time I remain …….


	4. 4a.

Disclaimer : The story's mine everything else simply isn't. All done in good fun .Nothing more man. 

Notes : (**IMPORTANT !!!**) I know I'm late and for that I apologize. I'm so so so sorry sorry sorry !!! Real Life is crappy !!! Also I've got some good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm posting a new chapter but the bad news is I can't seem to post it right. There's something weird about it and I can't post the full chapter . I suck at computer stuff so I don't know what the hell is wrong BUT … I think I found a way around that little problem. I'm posting half of it now and the other half later , so bear in mind that when you read that this isn't really complete. Hopefully if all goes according to plan I'll be posting the other half the very next day. Besides I don't want to keep people waiting too long so here's some of what I've written. Hope you like it : )

Dedication : First and foremost to Lesley Ann. Without her encouragement all of this would've fallen into nothing. Love the gal immensely. Thanks Lesley :-) And to all who have reviewed this story so far. My thanks to Furious George ,Bolo , Mims , Saturn Girl ,Varthan , grey , Jane McCartney , Xandman , 'wbh21c' Bill , Chorlton , Lori Bush , Drake Roberts , Rob Clark. I appreciate each and every one of your comments. They mean a lot to me. Thanks again for all your feedback. It gives me reason to write *g*

~**~

****

BLACK & _WHITE … _by Zauriel Angelus

~**~

-------------------------

Dawn found me lying on my back on the side of the road. 

I don't know how I came to be there but there I was… 

I was alive …barely

I didn't want to admit it but I knew Anya wasn't as fortunate. 

I kept those thoughts at bay , preferring to stay away from harsh realities at the moment. 

Denial was keeping me sane for the moment and I stuck with it.

My vision was blurry and the rain that was falling down didn't make that any better. Everything in my body was hurting. I was pretty sure death wasn't as painful at that point. 

Somehow that disappointed me. 

Somewhere deep inside, I wanted to just die.

I closed my eyes wanting to let everything go but then …I saw Dawn. 

She was a mess … even worse than me. Dawn was in a state of total shock , trembling in paralyzing fear. Her clothes were reduced to rags and were practically soaked in blood. I wasn't sure whose it was but from what Dawn could make out I figured it wasn't something I'd like to dwell upon. I was barely holding it together as it is. My only thought for the moment was that Dawn needed me. 

So losing it was NOT an option.

Something stirred in the storm that moment and I felt its presence lurking near. 

The voice of a ghostly siren whispered away to the wind a simple tune that held untold menace , chilling me to my very bones. 

Dawn instantly went pale as white. 

__

Someone or something , was calling her name…

Didn't quite know what was going on exactly but something told me to pick Dawn up and run like hell. 

And so I did… 

Dawn was light as a feather and as quiet as I've ever heard. She was scared … scared beyond reason and it worried me , the look on her face frightened me. 

I didn't look back even once but I could tell something was chasing us. 

The winds were shrieking…if possible even screaming and as I fought my way through the pouring rain with Dawn in my arms , it became harder and harder to move my soggy legs forward. 

It was around then that a car landed in front of us. 

Yep , you heard me. A car was thrown right in front of our faces . landing on its side and crashing into the road like some crazy ass bomb from above. 

" **You can't run away from me …**"

We were in big trouble and don't I know it. 

" Ah shit …" dead end 

Some invisible force struck me hard. 

I was knocked down and Dawn was quickly taken from my gasp. 

" DAWN !!!" 

I damn well wouldn't let her be taken without a fight and so I stood right back up. 

The raindrops that hit me on their way down were now feeling like they were made of lead , pulling my weight to the earth. That made my sense of sight no more better either and I needed a visible target to attack. 

" DAWN !!!!!!!!!!!" 

I was quickly starting to panic. 

" DAWN !!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was then in a brief second that I caught a glimpse of something. A slight shadow in the cloud of rain… 

I summoned all that I had left and picking the right moment , I charged. 

Bullseye.

The figure seemed human and having been tackled down so roughly , Dawn was dropped but somehow stayed unmoved. 

I managed a grunt and a mean right hook to its head or …what I took to be its head. It whimpered , sounding female but I took no notice of its possible gender. I maybe softer on the ladies but at this time I couldn't care less especially since I'm eternally biased against monsters who try to kill me. It or rather 'she' fell to the ground dazed for a short moment and I took that opportunity to grab a broken two by four that was within my reach. She seemed to be in pain , squirming and writhing all over although I didn't think I hit her that hard. 

But that was good however . If she _was_ hurt then that meant I could kill her. 

I raised the weapon high , stretching my in-swing to the fullest . A breath of air exhaled and I swung ready and hard. 

" _Do it…_" 

I stopped. 

__

Willow… 

" What the fuck …???!!!" 

In front of me her face was crowned with streaks of blood and tears , her green eyes staring at me with lifeless vigor. My grip upon the weapon I held weakened and I completely froze , my mouth hung dry with open mouthed shock and disbelief. 

" Xander …" a voice drenched in terror and deep sadness answered. 

It really _was_ Willow but that passed quickly soon after. 

" I…I k-killed Tara…" 

I was totally caught unprepared and before I could even think about what to do I found myself tossed into the air. I landed hard flat on my back . Suffice to say that hurt quite a lot after what I've been through. I was coughing out blood after that. My eyes wandered over to where Dawn was and to my horror from what I could see , the poor girl was a living zombie at that point. Willow must've cast a spell on her or something. 

Of course Willow wasn't really _Willow _at the moment.

I looked up and saw her standing over me . Her eyes were now as cold as I've ever seen in my life and in those familiar orbs of green , I knew now that Willow was no longer in the building. She tilted her head studying me for a second , her lips twitching in a twisted frown. 

" **You _hurt_ me.**" 

I closed my eyes, unable to make any retort or comeback. None really came to mind. I didn't say anything and just waited for my death sentence to pass.

-----------------------


	5. 4b.

Disclaimer : The story's mine everything else simply isn't. All done in good fun .Nothing more man. 

Rating : R

Notes : This is the second half of the chapter I promised you all. Finally got it up and running and on time too (YAY ME !!!!) If there are any bugs or if the text is unreadable or upside down or whatever , please gimme a heads up so I fix it up quick. I'll try to do what I can. Hope everything's okay : ) This is a continuation of the yesterday's chapter. ***Be advised it gets real dark and a bit disturbing here.* **

Dedication : First and foremost to Lesley Ann. Without her encouragement all of this would've fallen into nothing. Love the gal immensely. Thanks Lesley :-) And to all who have reviewed this story so far. My thanks to Furious George ,Bolo , Mims , Saturn Girl ,Varthan , grey , Jane McCartney , Xandman , 'wbh21c' Bill , Chorlton , Lori Bush , Drake Roberts , Rob Clark , Whitewerewolf. I appreciate each and every one of your comments. They mean a lot to me. Thanks again for all your feedback. It gives me reason to write *g*

Feedback : yes please ?

~**~

BLACK & _WHITE … _by Zauriel Angelus

~**~

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Death was beyond me… 

And perhaps so was life in a way. 

I came to him… 

I don't really know why. I'm not quite sure myself. 

He was my enemy and I was sworn by duty to kill all of his kind. 

It was my job after all … I was the slayer. 

He was a vampire and unlike Angel … he had no soul to speak of. 

I needed to escape my damnation.

I wanted to live again… 

To feel the warmth that once filled my heart and bring back the essence of which I lost… 

But lost was all I came to be … 

And upon my resurrection I lived to embrace the undead. 

" Slayer…" 

It was madness… 

The insanity that he calls love. 

Spike strongly believed it to be true, his unyielding passion would ask no less of it. 

But either way I didn't care. 

" Love me…" 

In his arms I held still and he took me tightly , urging me to join with him. 

" Please …"

He wanted to take everything that made me who I was … 

To stake his claim and have it all… 

To own what he can never have. 

" Buffy …?" 

But he'd forgotten … I was already gone.

It was then that the beast took over , bringing forth his bloodlust. 

His thirst ravaged my skin and he devoured me slowly , tasting every single inch he can. 

The mask of humanity that he wore could not erase the scent of blood that hung from his breath. 

And when you take in the fact that he has none , the air rang putrid and rotten in the face of such unbridled lust. 

I didn't challenge him …didn't lift a finger to stop what he did … what we did. 

The pain kept coming and I welcomed it. 

How could I just stand by and let it all happen ? 

How could I…? 

Wasn't it a betrayal of my calling ?

What the hell was wrong with me… ???!!!

I closed my eyes and let him take me …again and again and again

Agony dug deeper than it had ever been and when the pain seemed to lessen ,

" HARDER !!!"

…I wished to be hurt just a little bit more. 

The cycle repeated itself till it could not climax any longer and thus came the explosion of release.

" Oh god…"

Harsh foreboding winter entered , the cold gripping inside.

Finally I screamed … 

Swift darkness came soon after and I followed , ever so thankful for its mercy as the song came to an end. 

Then I started to hear it.

" _Oh_ _Beautiful flame …thy heart rests with fire , the sunset falls and darkness crawls from its domain…Quiet little one , the night is young yet…the night is forever."_

…the singing. 

__

" Lullaby …hear me cry, Hear me cry Lullaby…" 

A dark vision set itself upon the horizon like a misty fog over the sea. The voice I hear drowns me in. The pain she felt must've been overwhelming and I fall with her, listening nearby. 

__

" Lullaby …hear me cry , Hear me cry Lullaby…" 

Then I see her …

__

" …the tears aren't enough. Never enough." 

Anya's saddened face , a baby cradled in her arms. 

__

" I shed nothing , only to lose it all…"

Rain began falling down as the baby cried. A figure appeared in front of Anya , offering her hand and when she turned , I finally recognized her as Tara who now stood with a comforting smile on her face. 

__

" …the tears aren't enough. " 

The two faded away quietly as Willow's voice brimmed over , the pain clear and heartbreaking. 

__

" Never enough …" 

Blood was on her hands. 

Life was leaving her soul… 

And the face of my best friend darkened with rage , the green in her eyes glowing sinisterly. Her lips moved ,crackling with effervescent energy and I could vaguely make out two words. 

forgive me…? 

I stared as Willow vanished from my view . The blackness of swirling mist enveloped me and I found myself standing in a graveyard. A scream broke the uneasy silence of my thoughts and I soon broke into a run in its direction. 

I felt panic. Fear… and those emotions intensified a thousand fold as when I found out Dawn was doing the screaming. 

" HELP ME !!!! BUFFY !!!!!" 

A large hideous demon glowered in the shadows nearby holding Dawn by the neck . Before I could reach her , her neck was snapped and her body tossed to the ground like a ragdoll. I screamed Dawn's name and leapt for the bastard only to hit the wet earth as familiar black mist surrounded my fall , the echo of laughter mocking my misery as it did.

I saw a figure move and readied Mr Pointy , waiting for the perfect chance. My senses zeroed in upon my prey and I attacked without hesitation , vengeance and hatred fueling my offensive. 

The stake plunged true to its mark but the blood that spilled was not that of any demon. The face that looked at me now was of my Xander shaped friend.

oh god…

" Buffy…?" 

I tripped over backwards in shock , stumbling upon a headstone on my way down. A glance upon what was written upon it drove me to tears.The headstones around it told of worse news however. 

The names of my friends … of my family were carved into them. 

Their graves lay solemn upon the earth I stood and I wept with more sadness than I've ever known. 

I could not face their fate and turned away only to stare into judgement.

" Why…?" he asked of me. 

I couldn't answer him. 

I don't know how…

In Xander's eyes , the betrayal and hate ran deeply. I could feel his pain and sorrow right then as it killed me , the fiery burn slowly turning me into ashes. 

Xander's face flashed before my eyes , framed without color. 

Just black and white negatives dipped in fire… 

__

" the tears aren't enough …"

As his eyes turned grey I heard the singing again one last time … 

__

" never enough…" 

I could only scream his name as the flames exploded. 

Xander …

" I shed nothing only to lose it all."

====================== 

End notes : *shudder* This was a very very difficult for me to write. I wanted to nix the whole B/S scene initially cos I didn't know how in the hell I was going to write it but my muse told me it was too important to be cut. Somehow I actually got away with it sane. Hope the shift into dream sequence worked alright. That one was a bit tricky. As for the next chapter, it will take a while to finish but hopefully I'll have it done in a week or two. My thanks to all those who've been reading so far : )

Ps: thanks for reading and btw FEEDBACK !!! I want it !!! I need it !!! I'm a feedback whore !!! 

Till next time I remain ……… 


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